Endless tears

forever joy
to feel most every feeling

forevermore.

There's something so calming about this. It's snowing heavily outside, and the city of Edinburgh is so beautiful when frosted. Across the meadows as well, you see a gentle white glow from the sun. It's assuring, whispering. Everything is going to be okay. Listening to music helps. Thank you Six Parts Seven. This might actually be the first time that I'm enjoying my time in the library.

I've always seen this place as an area of oppression. If an essay wasn't dragging me kicking and screaming, I wouldn't ever come here. But then again, it's not often that I bring my laptop out of its habitual confines. So it's like having a piece of home with me. Something entirely mine, modified to my tastes. For some reason, that's really important for me. I like that.

God told me on the plane that it's time to blossom. That what has been sown will be harvested now. And I think I really felt that today. He sent me a picture, of a morning glory flower, opening and then wilting. I'll know what it fully means in time, but I felt a distinct sense of joy.

Then related to this is my personal little project. Well, let's not call it a project. It's no project, but when I need to push myself to do something, regardless that it's really from the bottom of my heart, it's an ordeal for me. I locate my failings easily, but I count it as a gift. For months now it's been my personal mission to get Margarita: the Romanian lady across the street selling the Big Issue to smile and say: I'm good, when I ask her 'how are you?'. Usually, she gives me a 'comme ci comme ça face', and goes 'eh... I'm okay'. I'd be disappointed, but then again, I appreciate the honesty. Afterall, she is selling exorbitant magazines outside a supermarket in the wind, rain, and snow. (I'll get into the Big Issue conspiracy some other time).

She always seemed to be so disgruntled, unhappy, and sorrowful though. And that was what really affected me. I talk to her, and she asks for some coffee. She's cold. So I've been plotting a gifting, to give her a thermos flask or something that would keep the coffee warm for her, and well, also to avoid cup loss for our flat.

I gave it to her today and she was smiling! She said I'm good, and smiled! She even kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug! It really blessed my heart. I don't think she even knew how much that meant to me. Really.

Thank you God.